"It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, everywhere you go," unless of course there is a narcissist in the mix. Let's face it, for many of us without "Leave it to Beaver" backgrounds, the holidays (all of them) can be a difficult time indeed. This is not to say that we go around trying to make things miserable for others. Many of us who find the holidays particularly difficult because they remind us of the "not so perfect" background, or "not so perfect relationship" that we find ourselves in, usually do our best to make things at least bearable for those around us. Oftentimes, many of us deal with our sadness by reaching out to others in an effort to spread some kind of joy, that we are not experiencing ourselves. We tend to reach out in the broader sense and look for ways to find solutions and simply find small ways to try and lift other's spirits since we are fully aware of how blue things can feel around such festive times.
Narcissists experience a whole other level of emptiness during the holidays. They become incredibly dark and broody, and even as they attempt to present a sometimes exaggerated sense of happiness, they can become their worst around any holiday. Narcissists are uniquely "empty" as people, and that is why they are sometimes referred to as empty "shells" or "hollow". It is as if they have a persistent feeling of emptiness. This sadness or emptiness manifests itself in different ways but is often a reflection of envy that they feel about others. This envy for others is not only about the ability for others to have fun, but they often envy others for having the ability to experience joy and love. Holidays tend to bring out the best in others if they are healthy, but if they are toxic narcissists, you will often see the worst reflection. Think of the Grinch but pretend that the Grinch didn't change at the end of the story. S/he doesn't become enlightened like the real Grinch did instead s/he has grudges, hatred, and jealousies that come out of the woodwork, and as we see them take a toll, fights, financial / gift abuse, addictions, and/or of course, the deadly silent treatment all follow. The silent treatment around a holiday can be particularly painful for loved ones. The following article from divorcemag breaks down the details of how narcissists behave around the holidays in a succinct fashion:
In case you are forced to spend time with a narcissist during a holiday function or family affair, it is important to make sure that you have a plan of attack so to speak. Killing them with kindness is the best reaction. If you can, try to continue to have fun and spread your love as unfortunately, they hate this. They truly go a little insane inside when they know that you are happy and actually enjoying yourself without their presence. If you know that you have to spend time with a narcissist at a function, predict their behavior ahead of time and be ready when the clowning begins. Do not argue or react to the snide remarks that might be coming towards you or a family member. Remember these are a reflection of how the narcissist is feeling about themselves. Do not try to cajole, baby, or soothe the narcissist, this only feeds their ego, and will support their toxic behavior. The best solution when the drama begins is a kind gesture and smile, and if possible, remove yourself from their presence. Go to the other side of the room, the house, the building, or hey even go to another state for the holiday. Of course with Covid restrictions right now, that may not be the best alternative. If you are indeed stuck with someone during Covid restrictions during holidays or other, consider alternatives such as meditation time in another room, a walk outside, absorb yourself in a movie, or other distractions perhaps. This might be a tough position to be in, but do not allow the narcissist to dismantle your soul and happiness. If you are at a point of danger try to find a way to contact someone you trust or someone at the national domestic abuse hotline:
You can call the toll free number there and/or peruse the website for further details and resources in your area. If you feel that your abuser is checking your phone or other devices, the website gives you some ideas of how to erase history, but know that if the abuser is savy with technology, he might be able to identify your browsing history. I always tell people that visit my NarcissistNinjas Facebook to make sure that they don't like the page or comments, or not comment on any post, if they feel someone might be going through their phones. This makes it harder to trace activity.
Stick with people who make you feel comfortable and happy and continue on as usual. Remember that being alone is also an option and one that is preferential to being around a nasty singular narcissist or a group of narcissists. Remember a narcissist's dream is to humiliate others or make them feel awful in public. If you were to break down and cry, you might actually be setting up enough supply for them, for months to come. Again, if you are stuck with someone alone, and they are potentially physically abusive, you will have to be creative in your self health practices. Start making a plan of escape for the new year. Try to find possibilities of freedom. Friends? Other supportive family members? Shelter? New job? Action is possibly needed. If you are in a dangerous position of danger, don't antagonize a potentially imploding narcissist, instead, use your survival instincts and trust your gut so that you can get to safety. Not all narcissists are violent, however, given certain circumstances, if they feel threatened enough, anything can happen and they can be very volatile in their reactions. Remember they bring out the WORST in people, so keep focusing on your own reactions and behaviors. Narcissists love others in pain and many have pushed innocent people to react in very out of character behaviors, whether that is to become violent themselves and/or in some cases, by pushing people to the point of even taking their own lives. Death is supply for the narcissist! Any sense of weakness in their prey is glory and gifts for them. Unfortunately even though narcissists are human [we think :)] they have a lower capacity for human understanding and interaction. They don't have the capacity for empathy, even if they pretend to at certain times. That is the factor that traps many abuse victims, and that is the factor that makes it so hard for some people to accept and therefore unable to leave them. Many people base their relationships on what ifs, and the HOPE of change. If you are with a narcissist, CHANGE does not happen, unless it is within YOU. My hope is that anyone who has been touched by the stain of a narcissist learns to love themselves because that is the only defense against these shells. When you truly love yourself, you don't have any desire to be around people who do not treat you with the respect and kindness that you show towards the world yourself.
Sam Vaknin (a diagnosed narcissist) describes the reality of the behavior of narcissists during holidays:
Psychology Today gives us some more tips about dealing with narcissists during holidays but these suggestions can be used at any other time, in many situations: